Friends with Benefits and Heartache

Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake in the Movie Friends with Benefits

Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake in the Movie Friends with Benefits



There is a new dancehall song by a new female artiste of whom I don’t know her name.

She says she wants friends with benefits she nah look nuh ring. When I heard this song I was like really, there is really no hope for me anymore. Statistics are of such that in this day and age that fifty percent of marriages end in divorce. Part of the reason for this I believe is that some females put up with way less crap than they used to. I’m sure many of us have grandparent s or great –grandparents that have fifty years of marriage. In their time people got married a lot earlier and for a woman it was either find a man to marry and take care of you or be ostracized. So because one wanted to live up to expectations one had to be an obedient wife.

So  if im beat out yuh rass you put up with it. If he cheats on you, you put up with it and if he cheats on you and you happen to catch aids you not only put up with it but you nurse him until he dies like  what Rose Stone did in her autobiography “No Stone Unturned”. God bless her soul. I’m not saying that all women were like that because some never married and some had children out of wedlock but it was highly criticized. But I don’t want to stray too much from the point of this post.

rose stone no stone unturned

While growing up I practised the Christian belief of preserving myself until I was married.  I was always laughed at for this but it didn’t matter to me. But then I thought about it. In this day and age where women take hormones to turn into men and visa versa, do I really want to buy the metaphorical puss in a bag? I decided not to and maybe it’s my fault.

But since I’ve been on this sexual quest only two men that I have been with have expressed that they want to be in an exclusive relationship with me and these were far older men. I’m not going to go any further or else I would reveal how many men I’ve slept with (well you know it’s more than 2 now lol). Every other man that has approached me from when I gave up my purity vow until now has not wanted a committed relationship with me but all of them wanted friends with benefits and the other one that didn’t might as well have expressed that he wanted fwb because from the minute we got together all he did was pressure me for sex. Friends with benefits is nothing new I mean there are two movies I know of with the concept one with the name  and the other called No Strings Attached .

I can only talk from my experience and from my experience Jamaican men don’t like to date or they just don’t like to date girls like me. I wonder if there is something about me that signals to these men that I don’t have any value on myself so that I would be willing to settle for a relationship where they get my body and I don’t get anything. Is good sex( eheem  I mean) sex that important that that’s the only thing I would need as a woman.

I really wonder if I was the typical brown girl or mixed girl if these same men would opt to try and wife me before they get in between my legs. But I’m sure brown and Indian girls have been approached with this fwb argument too. All I can say is serves me right from disobeying God and not following his plan I’m sure if I followed his approach I would have found a suitable match. But  that’s just it I don’t want a goody two shoes Bible thumping good guy. I want someone just like me not afraid of being sexual and yet be good when he needs to be. I want someone who can code switch. I don’t think I could handle a bad boy my poor little heart couldn’t take that but to me too mostly good seems too boring!

The way I see it why friends with benefits is so popular is that for every woman that would refuse to be in this kind of relationship there are like TEN women who would agree with it.  And it’s not only Jamaican men that are like this it is a worldwide trend.  The fact is, there are more women than men anywhere you go. And there are even less men that women would chase after. All these women are getting educated and empowering themselves and these brothas are getting encarcerated or high or just being sperm donors. I really dunno. Also for every woman that  wont cheat with a man there are women who will. Why? Times are tough and they want benefits such as money or someone to send them to school and pay their rent or buy a house and a car.

There are so many songs about man haffi share one recent one is that Ishawna song called cheerful giver  on Zj Liquids “Fix Up Riddim”. Speaking of Ishawna I used to think she was so intelligent and a cool artiste but after her break up with Foota Hype the persona she has potrayed has disgusted me. The last straw for me was when she chose to wine on Joe Bagdonavich A DAY after his common law wife Toya died. But I received some good advice recently. DON’T judge. SO I won’t judge her. She’s just doing what sells. And controversy and sex and easiness sells.  Men chase after women like that. They get the attention. The’re just sex objects but that’s all some women want.

So this trend has become culture all over the world. Men know women will do whatever they want because each woman thinks she has the power to steal and keep that man so he just plays along and he gets as much nookie as he possibly can. It’s not just a secular mindset.

The other day  I saw a video where two women were arguing over a pastor that was married to one of them for twenty five years he left her and married the other woman who was a member of his congregation and she the ex-wife said she wasn’t the only woman. There are theories that it isn’t in humans nature to be monogamos. And from my experience I really wonder if I have it in me to be monagamus because I haven’t been in a relationship long enough to test myself because as soon as they give me crap I blaze on out of there.


I really wonder if I’m doomed. At one point in my life I wanted to be a nun but that idea was aborted because firstly I wasn’t Catholic  and secondly I wasn’t willing to take a vow of poverty and I couldn’t see myself abstaining forever. I believe in doing something whole heartedly. My other plan was to be an old lady who lives with her cats. I’m seriously still considering that plan. But one thing that gives me a little hope is the old saying that to have loved and lost is better than not to have loved at all.



I can’t erase all this brainwashing. Just like many other women I grew up on Cinderella, Snow White, other fairy tales, love songs and romantic comedies. Those darn unrealistic things that make you want your prince charming. You know where the women say they want someone to “complete them”. I don’t know if I was cut from different fabric but I never subscribed to that. From I was very young I wanted to be a complete person who another complete person would compliment.

Snow White

Snow White


So I guess I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. I don’t chose to do it the way I was taught which is “God’s way” and I don’t want to buy into the friends with benefits culture. I’m tired of one night stands. So I’m back to square one. Learning more about the good ole me and loving myself and developing myself.

It’s so bad that I know of women who are tired of waiting so they just leave the church just to have children and of course that doesn’t solve the problem because a majority of them  end up being single mothers. I told my ex that I wanted to have my children with someone I am married to and he laughed at me and said  I need to wake up to reality. I also told someone I know of women who got married as virgins and she laughed at me.  Is it that hard to believe that there are still people who do it the good old fashioned way.

I wish I could say that I was never one of those women who fantasized about getting married. But I am. From I was very young I planned my wedding. I even know the church where I want to get married. Marriage in my opinion much like education has become a business. More people get married cause it’s fashionable or their biological clock is ticking or they want assets or for the oldest reason in existence they want to have “sanctified sex” by that I mean sex within marriage.  I really don’t think there is anything such as true love anymore.

Part of the reason I’m not “saved” is because I don’t buy into everything that Christianity preaches. In my opinion most of these commandments and practices within the church seem to benefit men. And women are just expected to be subservient. I agree that a man is supposed to be the head but the woman should be the neck. I don’t think she should be seen as someone who just does whatever the man wants and not have her own mind. Church just doesn’t seem to be the place where my spirit feels comfortable at this stage in my life.


It seems like a fashion competition where people fight to wear better clothes. And it’s mostly full of women because all of them go to church to serve God and “get a good Christian husband” and the few men in there know that so they play with these women just the same. I know not all men are like that but in my experience it seems like the majority. In Jamaica a group of Christians are willing to March to prevent an old law from being taken off the books and protest about common law relationships than marching about child abuse or so many other causes. I know I have drifted far from the topic of friends with benefits but I think all of this contributes to the current culture and situation.

Why is it wrong to want to think for myself instead of just being fed blindly by a group’s interpretation of the Bible? Why is it wrong to want to have sex with someone who you are not married to? Why is it wrong to analyse what has been taught to us all these years by the church?

Someone posted on my timeline that people should stop saying how the church has hypocrites and that it’s exactly those opinions that get people into trouble and it’s just because people like to sin why they say that. I agree people like to sin. But why is consensual sex between adults seen as sin or fornication. I know people will say the answer is in the Bible. But those principles are archaic. And half those Christians who are being “pure” are masturbating.

I don’t want to seem like I’m bashing everyone and acting like I’m the standard because I’m not. I am only human. There are stages when I accepted the fwb agreement because I decided to settle. There are also stages when I was a practising Christianity and I preached. Speaking of that where do Christins get off that just because you’re a “back slider” you don’t have a relationship with God do they see my heart? Do they know my prayers? One person even told me that I need to get back to being active in the Chruch to have a relationship with God. How do they know I don’t have a relationship with God are they God? I have received more love from worldlians than from Christians  who constantly judge me and other people.

I wrote all this to say I’m fed up! Maybe I really do need to get saved and bury my head in the sand and cross my legs till my knight in shining armour comes. But I don’t subscribe to that right now. Or as the saying goes if you can’t beat em join them. Maybe I should have a friend with benefits. NAaaaaaa maybe I’m foolish but there must be at least one person out there for me. There are billions of people in the world but all I need is one is that too much to ask? I’ve reached the stage where I’m bitter and that’s one thing I pray about that God will take the bitterness and brokenness from my heart because I can’t ruin myself for the person that will get and deserve me. What am I going to do? I’m going to value myself and know my worth and still have a little fun while doing so. All I have to say is keep hoping singles. I know there are more reasons not to but just live your life and see what happens.

I’d like to finish this post with a two music videos and a passage that a friend shared that inspired me

broken hearts

After writing this post something occurred to me. Could men think thatI’m the type of girl that would go for friends with benefits because they see me as a wild girl?

Check out the next post because this one is already too long.




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